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[if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me] [Aug. 12th, 2010|07:53 pm]
So. It's four days before I pack all my shit into one car and drive 1200 miles into the sunset to begin my exciting life as a student at the University of Oklahoma.

I have endless things to do and more than endless people to see; so I'm taking five minutes out of four days packed full (as my days always are and I think always will be) to retire this journal. On the 19th, I'll post my backpacking pictures in my college LJ, and from then on nothing new will be added to this one.

I got back from the mountains of New Mexico on Tuesday with friends who go to OU. I shared a tent with five people who will be in my classes and in my department and living in my building, and once you have shared BO-induced body heat with someone for seven unwashed days, you need not fear losing their companionship. I have friends in Oklahoma now to whom I will be able to go when I get there; it's official. I'm moved in.

So! It's time to retire pspgm. I got this journal back in the seventh grade because I needed a username to RP on Livejournal with Chrissi and Lauren; and it's been faithfully keeping my stories since then. But I don't really want middle school and college sitting in the same blog archive, and hey - if I'm going to make something new of my life, I want it to be new in every regard possible.

I'd be overjoyed if you'd follow me to soonerbee! But if we've grown apart, or my ranting has ceased to be amusing (if it ever was) or you just don't read this anymore, then don't feel obligated. The new journal will be as public as this one (meaning mostly); if at any point you want to reconnect, I'll be overjoyed again if and when you decide to dig me back up.

So please friend soonerbee!

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[dancing in the bright lights] [Jul. 30th, 2010|11:19 pm]

you're good as gold around your neckCollapse )
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[i'm a free bitch, baby] [Jul. 25th, 2010|10:45 pm]
Update on my weekend, Inception (skjdhjdhgasjhas), Kat's bday party, etc. will be forthcoming... tomorrow. After sleep. This meme is all I have enough brain for right now.

fun quiz for myspace profile and blog

Lets101 - Free Dating Site

See, I'm a weird Scorpio. Scorpios are supposed to be kind of manipulative. All the traits normally associated with a Scorpio - being ~magnetic~ and attractive and intelligent and bold and temperamental - are made for making people give you what you want. Scorpios are first and foremost about Scorpios, about standing out and being the one that everyone sees first and remembers longest. Scorpio is the love of the exotic, the sign that's exciting, the sign of someone who catches your eye and knows how to hold your gaze.

In one sense, I am that way. I like standing out. I know how to make people like me on a first impression and how to get what I want when it really counts. I'm a good leader and good at making people listen to me. But I miss out on the manipulation. I'm terrible at it. I am not ~wild and passionate~. When it comes to love, I'm cautious. I'm not temperamental. I hold my feelings down generally, and try not to use their display to get what I want. I find it distasteful, and generally prefer being stoic to being wildly emotional.

And "lies but doesn't pretend"? What does that mean? I do pretend. Pretending is, in fact, the hobby that eats up most of my time right now. Since I was a little kid I've spent my free time happily pretending.

Maybe it means that a Scorpio will not pretend to love you, but they will lie to make you love them. They won't pretend interest in you when they have none, but they will lie about themselves to seem more interesting to one in whom they have interest. But then, isn't that pretending, too? What is the difference here between "lies" and "pretending"? I love to pretend; but I hate to lie.

And how can a Scorpio be both fearless and a liar? Most of the time, lies imply cowardice. Saying a Scorpio just isn't afraid to lie is a loaded statement; are they lying because they're not afraid of the cultural stigma against lies, or because there's a truth they're too frightened to admit? A truly fearless person wouldn't be afraid to tell the truth. Either Scorpio is amoral or a coward. Neither of which I think I am.

Basically, this list of traits describes a person who is outwardly bold and confident. Someone who stands at the center of a crowd with all eyes on them, telling hilarious jokes and dancing all night and making everyone with them wish they could bask in their attention; someone whose arguments sway other people, someone who laughs off injury. But at the center, they are someone not terribly secure. They're dependent on the love of other people to validate their behavior. They're really laughing to cover something up. They talk and joke and laugh but guard themselves carefully, because while they're very good with other people they're not particularly good with themselves. They worry that the limelight will leave them and no one will love them anymore.

....of course, this is a stupid meme from a free dating website. I don't even believe in astrology. And even if I did, this list of traits is shortened, badly phrased, and does not take into account a single one of the hundreds of other things that make up a personality, according to the stars. It is, in essence, something I am reading far too much into, and shouldn't have wasted a precious half hour of sleeping time analyzing.

And it's not to say that Scorpios suck. I just have trouble understanding sometimes how I can be one. I carry enough of the traits to make it work, kind of; but not enough that the sign is any kind of good description of me. You say "Scorpio" and people hear "You will fascinate me;" but I'm just not that fascinating. Or that interested in being fascinating. I am neither an addictive personality, nor that interested in being addicting. So I fail the number one descriptor already.

IN CONCLUSION: This is a silly meme and a silly list and I am a shit Scorpio, and I would not want to be friends with the person this list describes. And now I'm going to sleep.

A second meme! This one is kind of amazing.Collapse )
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there's a reason my flist is called "the beautiful people" [Jul. 24th, 2010|03:47 pm]

lawliet_kun is the most beautiful owl I know. <3

girl if you do not find some kind of modeling job somewhere someday i will kill you. IT CAN BE OUR COLLEGE-BONDING-FOR-THE-HELL-OF-IT ACTIVITY AFTER WE FINISHED THE DAMNED CRANES.
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[today's biggest mission: investigate the kitchen] [Jul. 23rd, 2010|11:29 am]
[music |Worm Is Green - The Robot Has Got The Blues]

One teef seems to be doing better. The other not so much. Hnnnnnnnnnnngh.

ANYWAY. So this is the Grand Ultimate Pre-College Scheduling post. These are the days I am not around from now until the 16th, when I will pull out of the driveway with all my worldly possessions in one car.

24th July: Katkat's party~
25th July: work. Inception with Davonte.
27th July: leaving for Savannah with Katkat!
30th July: returning from Savannah
31st July: hit flea markets with Future Dictator of the World
3rd August: leaving for New Mexico backpacking trip!
10th August: returning from New Mexico backpacking trip
16th August: leaving for Oklahoma.

...this gives me very little time to become better at the damnable OU Symphony audition pieces. But. People are the priority in these few weeks remaining.

If we haven't seen each other yet, we need to.

If we haven't seen each other enough yet, we need to.

Tell me what days you want from me and I will do my best to give them to you.
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[if you never know truth then you'll never know love] [Jul. 22nd, 2010|08:00 pm]
Urgh. I'm werewolfing. I'm coming down off a week of post-op steroids and therefore mood swings are worse than usual. And I think two of my incision sites are infected and they are making my mouth taste disgusting and making everything painful. I don't know why, either! I've been doing everything right. ;~;

Going for post-op follow-up tomorrow. God willing they will give me something to make my mouth stop being a bitch. For now, self-medicating with q-tips, Listerine, lemon water, and popsicles.

It was a good couple of days, though! Hung out with Mizu and Krystal, then Krystal and Gillian, then Krystal, then Mizu again, all in quick and wonderful succession. Watched a documentary on the Miss Gay America pageant, footled around in emerald!verse, got some shit done. Today I got my ~LAST VACCINATION~ and went to Ikea with my mom and bought a few cute things for my dorm. Managed to get through work okay, too.

It's nice to know why I'm in a foul mood, at least, and know that it's nothing really bad and I should swing out of it by tomorrow or thereabouts. Now if my mouth would just quit hurting.
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I'M A HAVE YOU FIRST ALWAYS IN MY HEART~ [Jul. 18th, 2010|07:46 pm]
S-so. This song was really popular... oh, about two years ago. Sophomore year, I think. It was the song for my summer~! The song on the radio at every teeny event~! The song everybody hummed and had as their ringtones~! And even though I was all cool and indie and cultured, one day I was driving to some orchestra event with this upperclassman violist, and this came on the radio. She couldn't believe I hadn't heard it, and turned up the volume all the way so that I might understand the full glory of this stupid, cheesy, two-years-past-popular summer song.

I love this song. I love this song. I haven't heard it since sophomore year, and then today I was driving home from work and it came on the local hip-hop station. I found out that I still remember every word.

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new xxxholic, new farm friends, dead chickens, bruises [Jul. 18th, 2010|10:50 am]
First off:


A family moved onto the rancho property! The house up by the gate has been empty since I've been here, but now a sweet married couple and their three little kids have moved in there. I'm very happy! We chatted for a bit this morning; they seem so nice, and the kids are adorable. The oldest and I high-fived over Pokemon. He's an adorable kid; he'll be the type to crash every birthday party and be all, "SEE! SEE! THAT'S MY HOUSE I LIVE HERE AREN'T YOU GUYS SO JEALOUS HERE LEMME SHOW YOU AROUND." Lucky kids, growing up on that farm.

We got seven pretty white chickens sometime since Friday. This morning three were gone, three were lying dead with broken necks, and only one was left alive - upright and everything, but with a similar neck wound to the other three. We don't know what it might be. We've been losing chickens recently, but locking them up at night seemed to be working; what came through, killed six chickens, and only made off with three? A family of foxes? Opossums? No idea.

Let me just say, though, that while I am an eater and lover of chicken, picking them up by their still-warm scaly legs and carting them to the compost pile might be the grossest thing I've ever done. Oh god they were all warm and their heads were lolling and they were limp and stiff at the same time and euuuuuuuuuurgh. I can only think about it with a shower between me and the experience. Euuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh. The poor little kid I chatted with - I heard him while I was carrying them away. "Daddy, what are those? ... What?! Really?! Daddy, what are--!" Sorry, kid. Happy first day on the farm. ;~;

I have some crazy bruises right now. My teeth are better, enough that I can eat solid food, but my face is still really poofy. I have a yellow bruise on my arm from where Ranger flipped his shit on me last week, and a deep purple one where Twitchy kicked me, and a dark blue one where the oral surgeon punched through my vein, and a smaller but similarly-colored one where he did the IV right. I am all colors of the bruise rainbow. |D

Doumeki, take me now. Unf.

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[these feelings won't go away] [Jul. 17th, 2010|01:20 pm]
[music |Citizen Cope - Sideways]

Y'know, I never realized how much pressure I get from my family to be tough. I always kind of figured I was - I have a fairly high pain tolerance, I don't cry easily, I get over minor injuries by laughing them off. Maybe it's because my brother and I were both such crybabies when we were little that we're so stoic now; because after a certain point my parents stopped tolerating expressions of pain or fear from us. No matter how scared we were of something - roller coasters, water, horses, whatever - we had to try it. If we still didn't like it, well... we had to try it again.

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[Dhana dhan dham dham~!] [Jul. 16th, 2010|08:38 am]
[music |Raavan OST - Beera Beera]

Fear is a bizarre thing.

Yesterday I got kicked by a horse. Twitchy flipped his shit over my hat while I was leading him up to pasture - he knocked it off my head with his own stupid face and went absolutely apeshit - and landed a glancing blow on my upper leg. I have a huge pink-and-purple bruise shaped like the edge of a hoof and a sore leg from this animal who could very easily have killed me without a second thought.

But when he went nuts, I held the fuck on to him. It took me a good fifteen seconds to realize my leg hurt like a motherfucker, because priority one was calming down the fucking horse and getting out of his way. If I hadn't reacted so quickly - letting the lead rope out as far as it went so he could circle and dodging around front - he might have landed a direct hit somewhere softer than my leg, which thankfully is the part of the body probably best-equipped to get the shit kicked out of it. It actually occurred to me, as I was slowly approaching him to calm him down, that I should have been way more terrified, considering I was the only one on the farm and if he had decided to lose it again, there would have been no one around to hear me yell. I mean, I was shaking, but in a WHOA SHIT ADRENALINE kind of way, not a WHOA SHIT I COULD HAVE DIED way.

I calmed that horse the fuck down (they pick up on emotions, so I had to calm myself down pretty damn quick) and limped him up to pasture, leaving my hat on the ground behind me. In two days I will lead Twitchy the same route to pasture again, and so on twice a day for the rest of the summer. The thought of this really doesn't alarm me.

This morning, I will go to the oral surgeon's office, and he will put a needle in my arm and put me under, and while I feel absolutely nothing he will take out my wisdom teeth in a procedure that he has performed dozens of times before, in a carefully controlled, sterile environment of trained professionals who will kindly explain to me exactly what they're going to do beforehand.

And yet, I would take ten mornings of dealing with huge, volatile animals who could kill me at one shot over going to the oral surgeon's this morning. I'm terrified.

Jesus, I need to get my priorities straight. |D

But in a way, dealing with the fear is easier now that I have something actually scary to compare it to. I keep telling myself that this is, compared to possible Death By Twitchy, not a big deal. It helps. I will go get my wisdom teeth out, and I will deal with being put under even though the thought petrifies me, and I will tell myself that this is a dumb thing to be this afraid of and before I know it it will be over.

Wish me luck, guys!

(Sidenote: I am extremely grateful for the human body's ability to dodge around a huge flailing animal without letting go of it while the brain is still wondering where its hat went. Primal instincts fuck yeah.)
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